But What If You Get Attached?

We have had the cutest Little Man in our home for almost a month now. We picked him up from the hospital, so clueless and afraid… I was embarrassed to hold him with the nurse watching, afraid that she would see that because I wasn’t his mother and in fact had never been a mother to a newborn, I had no qualifications to keep this tiny human alive.

I held him for the first time and tried to harden my heart. The words “he is not ours” have repeated endlessly in my mind and have escaped my mouth many times.

So because I tried to harden my heart, as I have whispered those four words myself; because I chose to be a foster parent (unlike the many people who tell me they couldn’t do it because they would get too attached) of course I use my willpower, flip a switch in my heart, and don’t attach.

I hold this squishy baby for hours because he is so content in my arms, my face lights up as he grins a sneaky grin at me, I laugh as he grunts and fake burps when he knows I won’t keep feeding him until he burps, I share his cuteness and cuddles with my family and friends, but I completely compartmentalize and have no emotional attachment…..

What in the world??

How could someone truly take care of a helpless child as their own and not feel an attachment to them??

I love this baby. The baby who is currently asleep on my chest with his baby smell and a look of contentment on his face. I love him so big, in a way that hurts when I think about him leaving.

My whole body aches with anxiousness as I wait to find out his fate.

Will he be loved when he leaves? I mean really loved and cherished?

Will he be given the only paci he likes, and given a tummy massage when he’s hurting?

Will he be held until he falls asleep, even when it’s inconvenient?

So instead of wondering if I will get attached and worrying about me, pray for this perfect tiny baby who has already started his life with a burden he shouldn’t have to bear.

Worry + pray that when he leaves us, he will form a healthy attachment with the best family who treasures him.

Because yes, we do get attached. But he deserves to have someone let him into their heart, no matter how much it will hurt when he leaves.

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