I wish that you knew I’m not like the other kids. I wasn’t held as a baby. I don’t even remember where I lived. I just remember all the people who hurt me. I lived in over five houses in five years, and because of that my brain responds differently when I’m away from my mom and dad. I don’t like to talk about that, though. When I start thinking about that I usually am bad because even though you say I’m safe, if I’m bad enough I knew you’ll hurt me too.
I wish you knew that when Daddy has to go out of town for work, I get scared he won’t come back and so I’m really mean to my mom. Sometimes I hit her or yell at her just to see if she’ll leave too.
I get scared when he has to work late, too. I know it’s only a few extra hours but when I don’t see him at bedtime I’m scared he’s gone and I get angry.
I wish you knew that even though I want that piece of candy you offer me with good intentions, because of the red dye in it, when I get home I will become defiant and violent toward my mom. I don’t mean to hurt her, but something happens to me when I eat it and I just lose control.
I wish you knew that I don’t like when the rules change. If a rule is changed I suddenly fear that everything is changing and I will test all of the rest of the rules.
I wish you knew that even though most kids love to be hugged, I get scared when you hug me without asking and sometimes lash out.
I wish that you knew that I don’t mean to be bad when Teacher isn’t there… it’s just that I don’t know The Boy who is in charge instead, and in some houses the boys hurt me so I don’t want to listen to him.
I wish you knew that I don’t mean to push the other kids… sometimes my hands just move way faster than my brain does.
I wish you knew that it’s hard for me to look you in the eyes when you’re talking to me. I don’t really know why, but I promise I’m listening.
I wish you knew that I’ve never known when I was going to have to live somewhere new, so sometimes I steal things and lie because I want to be in control of something.
I wish you knew that the reason I don’t get to go to a lot of things is because if things are different I get really scared and I can’t just change plans all the time without being scared.
I wish you knew that I hurt myself because I am bad. Everybody said I was bad and then I had to leave. I don’t want to be bad.
I wish you knew that school is really hard. All of the other kids know the words and I don’t, so sometimes I don’t want to try. I’m good at making the other kids laugh, though. I like when I can make them laugh even when it gets me in trouble.
I wish you knew that it makes me feel good when you tell me I am good. I want to be good.
Our seven-year-old cannot express the struggles she has, or her emotions, or why she does what she does. But if she could, I imagine this is what she would wish. Every day I add something else to this list, and my heart just hurts as we try to overcome new obstacles each day. She is truly one-of-a-kind, and I just hope this helps give a little perspective for her and the challenges our girl faces each day.
How beautifully and truthfully stated. God bless you all for opening your hearts to this gift from God. Your love shows and I am confident God will continue to work miracles in your family’s life.